Raise Your Glass

And get to the nitty gritty! Wait, what that’s not how that song goes? Oh well, it goes that way in my head so that’s how I will keep on singing it.

In honor of the looming holiday this Sunday, Mother’s Day (consider this a reminder men, its only 2 days away!), I thought I would write up a little post just for all you underdogs moms out there. Now before I begin is it just me or is it a little unnerving that mom’s only get one day a year while administrative assistants get a whole week? I think we should form some sort of protest, anyone with me on a laundry strike?

Back to business then. As moms we work hard to prepare ourselves for that glorious day when we get to meet the little peanut that has been playing soccer with our spleen for the last 9 months. We read books, scour the web, take advice from perfect strangers (solicited or not), research EVERYTHING from what diapers to use, food to feed them, whether to breastfeed or not, even what wipes will touch our precious peanut’s tushy is not overlooked. But some how in the midst of all the research and all that advice there are some things that people, even other moms, fail to mention to us, and in my case, forget between babies. I don’t blame them at all for failing to warn me about some of this stuff, heck I try to forget some of it myself and if I had been told about it before hand I may have reconsidered kids altogether (not really, I just added that for dramatization). What are these scary facts no one tells us moms? The cold, dirty, nitty gritty details even the lamaze teachers sugar coat and our  own mothers keep to themselves all the while thinking “If I can endure it, she can so there is no need to warn her.”

The Nitty-Gritty

1. I am sure you all have/will prepare yourselves for the pain of child birth, and have heard just how much fun those contractions can be. But what everybody fails to tell you, to warn you about is what happens after the you have that cute little bundle of fresh baby in your arms and all that water they made you drink has to come out: cue the pee from hell. There is no gentle way to sugar coat this, that first pee will hurt like no other. And if you are lucky like me, your nurse will stand in the bathroom while you attempt to relieve yourself while you try to keep your lady bits from feel like they are being washed in acid. As if they did not get a good enough look earlier, they now watch you fight throw the pain (and wouldn’t you know it the pain meds have worn off just in time for this experience). My advice: use the dang water bottle they give you!!

2. Breastfeeding your little ones is amazing. Not only is it super beneficial for them and a great way to bond, it is good for us mamas too. But what no breastfeeding book tells you (maybe I read all the wrong ones) and the La Leache League fails to state is that you will smell like sour milk more frequently than you want to. Everyone loves that new baby smell (yum, baby) and in my honest opinion it evolved to hide the smell of leaked milk and sweat (cause you sweat so much those first couple weeks) of the mama holding onto that sweet smellin’ baby. Ya, now you know why new moms are so reluctant to let people hold their baby.

3. Do you remember how everything made you cry while you were pregnant? Those TV commercials, your son’s cartoons, walking around Target aimlessly cause you forgot why you went there to begin with. Ya, you thought that was said and done with now that you are no longer sporting that belly. Think again, think again. In all the doctors visits and post-partum discussion it seems they always highlight post-partum depression (which they should) but they seem to forget to say that you will cry at everything every once in a while and that is normal. After all hormones were playing Yahtzee with your body for 9 months, and they don’t exactly want to end that barrel of fun. But don’t worry you will return to your normal self soon, just be sure to keep some tissues handy….cloth diapers work in a pinch too.

4. You will never worry about another human being’s bodily functions as much as you will your babies. There will be whole conversations with just about everyone, not just your pediatrician, about the contents, the color, the frequency, the smell, and all the awful gory details you would have been sickened by only a few months prior. And there will be days were you are covered in those pesky functions you make charts and diagrams about; I am talking about blowouts of epic mythological proportions will occur and no one will be safe from them. Not even your children’s future spouses will be safe cause those are sometimes the best stories to tell (Padawan has a pretty good one).

5.Remember the first thing we talked about and how you get a nurse to witness the pee from hell, I swear they document it on a secret blog somewhere and have a good laugh about it. Well that was preparing you for the this point: YOU WILL NEVER PEE ALONE AGAIN! I am dead serious. The only time I get to use a restroom by myself is when we are all out as a family and I can sneak off to the public restrooms (which is rare cause I hate using them). Sometimes I stay a little longer than necessary just to remind myself what it is like to not have someone banging on the door or sitting on the bathroom rug watching me; it helps my sanity in some weird way.  Then your kids grow up and think its funny to find you in the bathroom, “Mom, what are you doing in there?” and it is then the perfect opportunity to start a conversation with you “So I was wondering…”  Even my cat no longer leaves me alone.

Nothing can prepare you for becoming a mom. Not all the advice in the world or the shared experiences from other moms will give you the grand picture of motherhood. It’s like Ripley’s Believe It or Not, you have to see it to believe it. Maybe that is why no one fills you in on the scary little details, they know you will never believe it till it happens to you. You won’t believe for a second despite peeing in gut clenching pain, smelling like milk, being covered in poop, pee and everything in between, and not being able to even sit on the toilet without an audience that you will love that little peanut and how your life has changed because of them; changed for the better.

For the Moms 001

So we raise our glass and wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms in my life, thanks for sharing your experiences with me and keeping me sane. And Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there who have earned you battle scars and badges, and all you moms-to-be out there who are joining these hallowed ranks.


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